Am I Autistic, ADHD or possibly both?

Having worked with technical leaders for twenty years, I've noticed a common pattern: capable, high-performing people, doing well by every external measure, but paying for it privately in a way no one around them can see. Sometimes there's another explanation. But sometimes, ADHD, autism, or both are part of the picture. And if that's the case, it's worth understanding. Because when you finally stop measuring yourself against people who are running a different operating system, life becomes more manageable and more rewarding.

ADHD and autism are not mental illnesses

Before I share the criteria for diagnosis, I want to correct a common misperception: ADHD and autism are not mental illnesses. They are neurodevelopmental conditions, which means the nervous system developed differently from early life. These differences affect things like attention, emotion regulation, sensory processing, communication, and flexibility. They are highly heritable, although experience and environment can shape how they show up in daily life. And they are not something that needs to be "cured".

It's worth understanding the criteria

If you suspect ADHD or autism may be part of your story, and you're considering being assessed, it's worth understanding what the clinician is looking for. Because unfortunately, the criteria often describe the more visible or stereotyped ways ADHD and autism can look to an observer. And unless you tell them, they might not see just how much work you're doing to make sure these differences never show.

Like the person who said they didn't have sensory differences, and that tags on their clothes didn't bother them. When in reality, they'd just designed their life to suit: buying clothes without tags, only wearing certain fabrics, eating limited foods, and having headphones on standby at all times.

Or the person who said they couldn't be ADHD because they were super organised and never late. They didn't realise the systems, reminders, and checks and balances in place to make sure nothing slipped through the cracks were the evidence. And it's only when they imagined life without these scaffolds and compensations that they could see it too.

So I've rewritten the criteria in neuroaffirming language, so you have a better idea of how each criterion might look.

Autism might not be what you think it is

The picture you might have of autism is someone who is technically brilliant, socially awkward, has a special interest, and needs things done in a certain way. Like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. And yes, that person might be autistic. But many autistic people look nothing like that.

They can also be warm and empathetic, perhaps accommodating to a fault, because they have learned the importance of intentionally reading social cues rather than doing it automatically.

Or they may be engaging and skilled communicators in professional settings where they know their subject and their role is clear, but seem awkward and off at the work Christmas party, where small talk is expected and the norms are unclear.

Or they can seem highly organised and planned, but rigid and deeply affected by minor changes and inconveniences, because they're trying to avoid, or cope with, situations they find genuinely distressing.

Or they can seem sensitive: easily irritated by the lights, the noise, the smells, the colours of the office, when they actually are experiencing these things differently from the people sitting beside them, and feeling very drained by them.

Indicators you might be autistic

If you're autistic, there are differences in how you process social cues, communication, and change, which can make connection, unpredictability, and sensory input take more effort.

Do several of these resonate?

• Social communication takes work. Conversations can feel draining or confusing. You may prefer practical topics over small talk, rehearse lines ahead of time, or replay what was said afterward. Masking can mean memorising scripts, copying others' style, or leaving early to recover.
• Nonverbal signals aren't automatic. Eye contact feels intense, expressions don't always match what you feel, or body language takes conscious effort. You might glance near someone's eyes or mirror gestures to "blend in."
• Friendship patterns differ. You may connect most easily through shared interests or structured spaces (clubs, gaming, projects). Without that structure, friendships may fade. At gatherings, you stick close to one person or keep busy with a task.
• Repetitive movements or behaviours soothe. Tapping, fidgeting, rocking, quoting lines, or arranging objects can regulate stress or sensory load. You may mask by swapping for smaller, less noticeable movements.
• Preference for routine and predictability. Familiar seats, meals, or routes bring comfort. Sudden change can feel disorienting. You might mask distress until you're in private, then collapse from the effort.
• Deep, focused interests. You lose hours joyfully immersed in a topic, hobby, or collection. You may hide or downplay passions to avoid being called "obsessive."
• Unique sensory profile. Loud sounds, bright lights, or certain textures overwhelm you. At other times, you may seek deep pressure, spicy food, or movement. You plan escape routes, curate clothing, or keep comfort items nearby. Sensory experience can swing between "too much" and "not enough".

Were these patterns present in childhood?

• Looking back, you may remember needing recovery time after school, struggling when routines changed, or relying on sameness for comfort. Supports from adults may have masked differences, making them look like quirks.

Since someone doesn't need to meet every autism criterion to be autistic, two people with the same diagnosis can present quite differently.

ADHD is probably not what you think it is either

There are three ADHD presentations: predominantly inattentive, predominantly hyperactive-impulsive, or combined presentation.

Inattentive-type ADHD

The picture you might have of inattentive ADHD is the absent-minded professor, brilliant, chaotic, clearly struggling, obviously different. But in organisations, it's more likely to look like someone who is highly competent, well-regarded, and apparently on top of things. What you don't see is the scaffolding underneath.

So it might look like the senior leader who has a system for everything, because they have to. Three places their keys can be. A tracker on their bag. A graveyard of pretty planners. Calendar reminders for things most people just remember. They are not naturally organised, they have built an elaborate structure around a genuine difficulty, and maintaining it takes enormous energy.

Or it might be the person who is consistently late across every context despite desperately wanting to be on time. They feel terrible about it and have tried every alarm and hack without success. It looks like they don't care or don't value other people's time, but they genuinely cannot feel the difference between five minutes and twenty. Time blindness is a commonly reported ADHD experience, not a character flaw.

Or it might be the professional procrastinator. They have had "write report" on their to-do list for three weeks but cannot seem to start. When the deadline is imminent, they lock in, work through the night, and deliver to a high standard. Everyone, including them, is confused about why they didn't just start earlier.

What looks like laziness from the outside is often a genuine difficulty bridging the gap between intention and action without external pressure, unless the task is inherently fun or interesting.

Indicators you might be ADHD inattentive-type

If you're inattentive-type ADHD, there are differences in how you initiate, sustain, and shift attention.

Do several of these resonate?

• Overlooking details. You might miss part of an email, skip a question on a form, or submit work with small mistakes, even when you've worked hard. Masking can look like triple-checking, asking someone else to proofread, or apologising in advance "just in case."
• Struggling to hold focus. Reading, meetings, or even conversations can slip away. Outwardly you look attentive, nodding, taking notes, making eye contact, but inside your mind has drifted or you're fidgeting to stay anchored.
• "Not listening." People may think you ignore them, even when you care deeply. You might need things repeated, or summarise back what you think you heard, feeling anxious you've missed something important.
• Starting is sometimes easier than finishing. Projects stall half-done, chores sit mid-way. You create accountability systems or external deadlines to push through, but still end the day with many "open tabs" in your brain.
• Organisation takes energy. You try colour-coding, calendars, and lists. Yet piles build up, steps get skipped, and you feel exhausted just deciding what to prioritise or where to begin.
• Avoiding long or effortful tasks. Paperwork piles up, emails stay unopened, chores get delayed until they're urgent. Masking can mean "sprint working," relying on productivity apps, tackling hard tasks with a podcast in the background, or using a body double, having someone nearby so you can stay on track.
• Losing things. Keys, glasses, chargers, even items you use every day. You set up "homes," use trackers, or rituals, but still end up finding them in odd places.
• Distractibility. A ping, a background sound, or your own thoughts can pull you away. You might block notifications, wear noise-cancelling headphones, or face away from distractions, but your own busy mind is harder to silence.
• Forgetfulness. Appointments, errands, and steps in a routine or process can slip, even with alarms and reminders. Others may see unreliability; inside, you feel like you're constantly juggling to keep everything in the air.

Were these patterns present in childhood?

• Looking back, you may remember similar things happening in childhood. Or it may be that the supports in place, like structure and scaffolding from your parents or your school, made it harder to see at the time.

Since someone doesn't need to meet every inattentive ADHD criterion to have ADHD, two people with the same diagnosis can present quite differently.

Hyperactive-impulsive ADHD

The picture you might have of hyperactive ADHD is a child who cannot sit still, disrupts the class, and is visibly struggling to contain themselves. But inner restlessness also counts.

In organisations, hyperactive-impulsive ADHD is more likely to look like someone with a big personality, high energy, naturally compelling, the kind of person who fills a room. A natural leader. And often they are. What is not apparent is that they cannot stop even when they want to.

Or it looks like someone who is always on, not performing, just unable to power down. Weekends are full of projects and side quests. They refer to themselves as an active relaxer because stillness creates a kind of internal friction that is genuinely uncomfortable. They struggle to sleep. Not necessarily because they are anxious, though people often tell them they must be. Despite the sleep hygiene strategies, the magnesium and the meditation, their mind just won't stop processing and let them rest.

Or it looks like someone who is spontaneous and fun, but sometimes regrets it. The impulsive decision. The thought that left their mouth before their brain caught up. They've been told their whole lives that they are too much, so have learned to hold back, giving others space to talk, consciously not interrupting, monitoring themselves carefully in professional settings. Only with their safe people do they let themselves be free, to talk at the pace and volume they like.

Or it looks like big emotions that seem to come out of nowhere. To everyone else it looks like overreaction. To them, it arrived like a wave they did not see coming and therefore could not moderate.

Indicators you might be ADHD hyperactive-impulsive type

If you're hyperactive-impulsive ADHD, there's a restlessness in your body and mind.

Do several of these resonate?

• Fidgeting. Tapping, bouncing, doodling, or shifting positions without noticing. You may mask by squeezing a stress ball under the table or moving your toes inside your shoes.
• Difficulty staying seated. Meetings, meals, or movies make you restless. You find excuses to stand, stretch, or walk around. If you can't, tension builds.
• Restlessness inside. Even if your body looks calm, your mind is jumping, replaying lists, anticipating what's next, or spinning on worries. Outwardly you may seem composed; inwardly, you're always moving.
• Quiet activities feel uncomfortable. Silence can feel empty or itchy. You fill it with humming, scrolling, background noise, or self-talk. You build little rituals to make "relaxing" tolerable.
• Always "on the go." Even when you intend to rest, you end up multitasking, volunteering first, or starting side projects. Slowing down feels unnatural.
• Talking a lot or fast. Stories run long, you interrupt or finish others' sentences, or excitement tumbles out. Later, you may feel embarrassed and make mental notes to hold back.
• Blurting answers. Excitement or urgency pushes words out before the question is done. You practice pausing, but sometimes realise only after the words escape.
• Struggling to wait. Lines, games, or group discussions feel physically uncomfortable. You fidget, zone out, or strategise how to move things along.
• Interrupting or intruding. Joining conversations mid-flow, jumping into activities before you're invited, or overstepping boundaries. Masking might look like self-checking ("Wait, is it my turn?") or pulling back after the fact.

Were these patterns present in childhood?

• Looking back, you may remember similar things happening in childhood. Or it may be that your restlessness was masked to a degree because it was channelled into lots of sports and activities.

Since someone doesn't need to meet every hyperactive-impulsive ADHD criterion to have ADHD, two people with the same diagnosis can present quite differently.

And if it all resonates

I've provided markers that may be consistent with autism, inattentive ADHD, or hyperactive-impulsive ADHD. But you can also be ADHD combined presentation, which means you meet criteria for both inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive symptoms. Or you may be AuDHD, a term used within the neurodivergent community to describe someone who meets the criteria for both ADHD and autism.

This combined presentation is often missed. Firstly, because for a long time autism and ADHD were treated as separate, mutually exclusive diagnoses in practice, and many clinicians were trained to look for one or the other rather than both. Secondly, because the two can work against each other, one pulling toward structure while the other pulls toward novelty, which makes each one harder to see. So it might look like incredibly careful planning and then impulsive spontaneity that throws the plan out the window. Or a pull toward people and exuberant engagement, followed by complete exhaustion from feeling peopled out.

In fact, AuDHDers are often highly skilled maskers, consciously or unconsciously trying to fit in, mimic, and adapt themselves to every situation, which means they can also be some of the most depleted people in the room. And this prolonged masking, combined with social and sensory overload, can lead to burnout that may look like chronic stress or depression, but may need a different kind of support.

Everyone isn't on the spectrum

It's about now that you might find yourself wondering, isn't everyone a bit ADHD or autistic? No. Someone is not a touch autistic. Someone isn't a little ADHD. If you're identifying with a lot of autistic or ADHD traits, and think everyone around you has them as well, there is a simpler explanation. You may be neurodivergent, and a lot of your reference group might be too. Like your family, which makes sense, because these differences are highly heritable. Your friends might be too, because we tend to enjoy associating with people like us. And many colleagues may be as well, because we may have chosen a profession that is well suited to neurodivergent people.

ADHD and autism are disabilities

To be diagnosed as ADHD or autistic, you can't just have the traits, there also needs to be evidence that the pattern creates difficulty or impairment in everyday life. Sometimes that difficulty is hard to see, because people will mask their struggles, put coping mechanisms in place without realising it, or have other compensatory factors such as high intelligence. But it is still there.

That is why, in New Zealand, ADHD and autism may be recognised as disabilities in legal and human-rights contexts, making discrimination unlawful and requiring reasonable accommodations. And before you say, I'm not disabled, it's important to understand this word through the right lens. The social model of disability suggests that disability does not sit only inside the person. It arises from the mismatch between the person and their environment.

Take sensory differences, for example. The difference itself is not the problem. The problem is offices are often built with harsh fluorescent lights and hard, echoing acoustics that are genuinely overwhelming for someone who experiences these things more intensely than most. Until we are actually building inclusive environments, a pair of headphones or a quiet place to work is the accommodation that lets that person have an equitable day. It doesn't mean everyone needs a pair. ADHD medication could also be considered an accommodation of sorts.

And we're not over-diagnosing

You may still be thinking, everyone's got a diagnosis, so are we just diagnosing shy people as autistic, and disorganised people as ADHD? No. Because if someone is just shy, and they don't meet the other criteria for autism, they won't get a diagnosis.

We're seeing more diagnoses for two reasons. The first is that we've gotten better at understanding the ways these differences may present. So rather than only knowing what they look like in young white males with significant support needs, which is what the research historically focused on, we now have an increasing appreciation for how they might look in other populations, such as women and gender diverse people, people of colour, and gifted individuals with sophisticated coping strategies.

The second is that information about these differences is far more accessible to the general public. Historically, neurodivergent people were often only identified when things had gone significantly wrong, in drug and alcohol services, in hospitals after a crisis, or after repeated job losses. Now, people are able to self-identify and seek out a formal diagnosis, and we're realising neurodivergence is everywhere. In our boardrooms. In our operating theatres. In our technical organisations.

So it's unlikely we're over-diagnosing; we were previously seeing the tip of the iceberg, and now we're finally catching up. But we're actually still missing a lot of people. And if you want a quick understanding of why, watch this: What About Socks

But it's worth knowing if you are

Since you've lived your whole life until now not knowing you might be neurodivergent, is there any point to a label? That's a personal question, and one I can't answer for you. What I can say is that many people find it life-changing. Because if you're neurodivergent, you were probably handed a lot of other labels along the way. "Lazy, has potential but doesn't apply themselves," when you are inattentive ADHD. "Difficult, sensitive, rigid," when really you are autistic. "Too much," when you are hyperactive ADHD.

Being diagnosed might feel like being able to see yourself clearly for the first time. And allow you to move on from the negative labels, and claim who you really are. And then figure out what you can do to support yourself better, so life feels more fulfilling and less draining. Because even though you're coping, you're probably doing life on hard mode without knowing it.

There's another reason for a formal diagnosis. We know that autistic and ADHD people are more likely than the general population to experience secondary mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, and burnout. They are also at elevated risk of suicide. They may also be more likely to use alcohol or drugs, or develop other coping patterns, as a way of managing an overactive brain, social strain, or years of feeling misunderstood.

This is not because something is wrong with neurodivergent people. These struggles can be the consequence of chronic mismatch, masking, and operating in environments that weren't designed for them. But unfortunately, these difficulties are sometimes misinterpreted, and they can end up with diagnoses such as resistant depression, bipolar disorder, generalised anxiety, chronic stress, or multiple diagnoses that still don't quite fit. So the treatments miss the mark.

Knowing you're neurodivergent allows you to design your life to suit your wiring, and access the right supports, including the right medication, to help you thrive. And because neurodivergence sometimes co-occurs with other things, like hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and hypermobility spectrum disorder, you may also experience the relief of knowing that the symptoms that have been dismissed as "all in your head" have a physical explanation.

If you are reading this and struggling right now, please reach out to someone. In New Zealand you can call or text 1737, free, any time, to talk with a trained counsellor.

So what next

You can start by being more compassionate towards yourself, and towards others. Give yourself permission to figure out what you need to support you, and ask for those things. Also avoid making assumptions about the intention behind other people's behaviour. Rather than reading lateness as disrespectful or directness as rude, consider that the person might be ADHD or autistic and have different wiring from you. Because it's not only neurotypical people that can judge neurodivergent people unfairly at times.

You could try a screening assessment or two, like RAADS-R for autism, ASRS for ADHD, CAT-Q for masking, and the Toronto Alexithymia Scale. While these don't provide a diagnosis and shouldn't be interpreted in isolation, they might help you develop more self-awareness around your behaviours so that you can articulate these better in a diagnostic interview such as the DIVA-5 for ADHD or MIGDAS-2 for autism.

You could seek out a formal assessment, especially if you'd like to see whether medication or other supports would make a meaningful difference to your life.

You could work with a neuroaffirming practitioner, to help you identify some of the ways you could better support yourself and work with, rather than against, your wiring.

One last thing

Being neurodivergent does not mean you are broken, or that something is wrong with you. Some of the most remarkable change agents in history are thought by many to have been autistic, ADHD, or both. That does not mean everyone will get it, and you are still likely to be misunderstood at times. But the answer isn't to change who you are. It's to understand yourself well enough to help others understand you too, and to go in knowing that a good relationship will always ask for grace on both sides. If you want a quick example of what I mean, watch this: Double Empathy Reel

Terminology

Neurodiverse - This term is best used to describe a group, not an individual. So a team can be neurodiverse, but the individual who diverges from society's assumption about what is typical is neurodivergent.

Neurodivergent - This is a broad socio-cultural term, inclusive rather than diagnostic. You don't need a diagnosis to be neurodivergent. It is often used for people whose neurocognitive functioning differs from what society treats as typical, though usage varies across communities.

Neurotypical - This is the term for someone whose neurological development or functioning aligns with what society treats as the norm. The style treated as the default. The one the world was designed for.

Neurodevelopmental condition - This is the clinical term for a condition where the nervous system develops differently from early life. ADHD and autism fall in this category, alongside other conditions such as dyslexia, dyspraxia, and dyscalculia. ADHD and autism are not mental illnesses, but neurodevelopmental conditions with strong heritable contributions, present from early development and part of how the nervous system is wired, rather than a response to experience alone.

Neurotype - This is a neuroaffirming way of describing someone's pattern of neurological functioning. Neuroaffirming broadly means positioning that pattern as a difference to be understood and accommodated, rather than as a disorder to be fixed.

Allistic - This means specifically non-autistic. There isn't really a widely used equivalent term for non-ADHD.

Identity-first language - Many autistic people prefer identity-first language, and many ADHD people prefer to be called an ADHDer, rather than described as having a condition. In other words, their neurotype is part of them, not something they carry separately. So just like we wouldn't say someone has tallness, most people don't want to be referred to as having autism or suffering from ADHD. And yes, the word disorder is part of the name but probably shouldn't be. Of course, there are always exceptions, so when in doubt, follow the person's lead for how they'd like to be referred to.

Assessors

Please note: inclusion below is not an endorsement. As information can change, please confirm details with each provider.

• Dr Sarah Castle, psychiatrist, kinderminds.nz, offers ADHD assessments, autism assessments, and medication management, all ages
• Dr Rebecca Griffith, pediatrician, cubbiehouse.co.nz, offers ADHD assessments, autism assessments, and medication management, children
• Jam Jones, nurse practitioner, connectedminds.co.nz, offers ADHD assessments, autism assessments, and medication management, all ages
• Dr Staverton Kautoke, medical officer of psychiatry, psychiatry.nz, offers ADHD assessments, adults 18+
• Dr Rory Johnston, GP, medonline.co.nz, offers ADHD assessments for people without significant co-occurring conditions, and medication management including for people who have been diagnosed elsewhere, adults 18-40

Not medical advice. While Shanel Winning does not offer ADHD or autism assessments, she does provide neuroaffirming leadership coaching to neurodivergent technical leaders.